Identity Crisis

I'm afraid I have been suffering from a severe case of bloggers block. It's not for a lack of material. It's simply that, with so MUCH stuff to write about, anything I attempt just doesn't seem like enough.

But today I'm going to bite the bullet, knuckle down, and write SOMETHING.

This week, as our routine gets back to normal (after the virus of 2009 and a wonderful visit from my mom), I am feeling a little bit duped.

Now, I consider myself a fairly savvy person. Gullible is not a word that I have been called very often in my life. I have never truly been surprised by a surprise party, and it takes some real effort to pull the wool over my eyes.

But, y'all, I was tricked, duped, deceived.

When we agreed to take on this task of traveling to the other side of the globe, it was to teach English. Plain and simple. Our job was to come and start English classes that are sponsored and paid for by a church. But ministry? That's not what we're doing. We're just teaching. Teaching English. It's aaaalllll business.

Then we arrived. The first week, Brandon was introduced to the church as "Missionary Brandon," and I as "Samonim" (the formal Korean word for Pastor's Wife). Missionary? Pastor's wife? We did NOT sign up for that. We signed up to teach English. But suddenly Hubby has been thrown into a world of ministry, Bible studies, 5am prayer services, pastoral meetings, and (of course) speculating church members. I, on the other hand, dove head-first into a world of turtle-neck shirts, appropriate greetings, hierarchical "friendships," open houses, and (of course) speculating church members.

Quite frankly, I'm suffering from a bit of an identity crisis. When I think of missionaries, I think of mud floors and thatched roofs. I picture peeing into a hole in the ground and eating bugs for dinner. I realize that those people - the ones who are called to the developing world - are the ones who really have the "right" to complain about their identity being stolen.

But somehow, in this highly technological and modern country that is not all that different from New York City, I am struggling to find a description for who I see myself becoming.

First, my name has changed. To my husband and a few close friends, I am simply "Brandy." To EVERYONE else, I am "Samonim" (pronounced Sah-Muh-Neem). It took a while for me to get used to that, and in the beginning, I'm sure I offended some people by accidentally not responding when they called my "name."

But it's not just the name change. It's the fact that, now, I have the very same name as every other female in my apartment building. All of us - us minister's wives - are called Samonim. So by accepting this name change, I am losing a bit of myself as and individual - Brandy - and becoming one of the many females surviving the formal hierarchy that is the Korean church.

And hierarchy is EXACTLY the right word for it. Upon our arrival, I was given a crash course on which Samonims I could befriend, and which ones I am to simply "respect." Depending on their age, amount of time at the church, and position that their husband holds in the church, I must treat them accordingly. And, apparently, I'm the low woman on the totem pole. Even though Brandon's position is considered "higher" than some of the other Pastors-in-training, our age puts us in a place of submission to every other Pastor and Samonim (most of whom are 5-10 years older than we).

I have one friend, a Samonim. When we are alone in our homes, I am allowed to call her by her given American name. But she is almost 10 years older than me. So when we are at the church or in the presence of other Samonims, I have been instructed to either call her "Samonim" or "Onni," which means "big sister." Because of our age difference, I am not allowed to call her by her name or call her friend.

And then there are the expectations that come with being a "good" Samonim. Extreme modesty is expected. Now, I consider myself a fairly modest person. I don't like to show lots of skin, and as a Pastor back in the states, my wardrobe had already become a bit more "mature" than what most girls my age are wearing. But here, I find myself stuffing my head through a little turtleneck hole before adorning my other clothes. And even then, I don't feel quite as "decent" as the other Samonims who wear lose-fitting pants, turtle necks, and (I kid you not) frocks.

In addition to being severely modest, a good Samonim has an "open house" all the time. It has been VERY common for church members, Pastors, and other Samonims to simply drop by my house unannounced and expect to be entertained. As a matter of fact, this past Sunday, the entire church was invited to "visit" (aka, examine) our homes after morning service. Each day, I must make sure I have a constant supply of instant Korean coffee and fresh fruit in the house because a good Samonim always serves these two things to their company (regardless of whether or not said company gave notice about their visit in advance). On the upside,I have become an EXPERT at slicing and peeling apples in record time. Seriously, I'm beginning to think I'm developing a superpower in this area.

Samonims are also expected to be full-time stay-at-homers. They are not allowed to hold a job or (in some cases) even drive. This was a HUGE adjustment for me. I have never been a truly full-time SAHM. I have always held (at least) a part-time job which was usually accompanied by several hours of college classes. My first week in Korea, I sat at home and stared at the walls. No TV, no computer, no phone, no car, and no way to tell a taxi driver where to go should I decide to venture out on my own. Talk about culture shock!

I won't write about Brandon and all the expectation put on him because you can read all about it first-hand on his blog.

Suffice it to say, we are both working really hard to adapt to our new "identity" in this foreign country.

But as difficult as it has been so far, and as frustrating as it is to know how much more we have yet to learn, I wouldn't trade this "transformation" for anything in the world.

While all of these adjustments have been confusing and often draining, I love who we are becoming. For me personally, the Lord is using this time to teach me about dying to self. We could just as easily say "we are American, and we don't have to fit into this 'mold' of a Korean minister's family." While we might get some sideways glances, the kind people here would understand (and DO understand) that we are different and that we do things differently. But this trip isn't about us and our comfort. It's about loving on and ministering to the people in this city. And in order to do that, we must become like them.

This was such a difficult concept for me to grasp. I found myself spouting off politically correct ideals during my prayer time. "We should be able to celebrate our differences, Lord. I shouldn't have to give up who I am just so they can be more comfortable." Blah blah blah. Waaaah waaah waaah.

It was then that the Lord reminded me of the ultimate loss of identity - the one He experienced when he gave up his place as God of the Universe to become just like me. He left his home, his father, his position of power, and his entire identity. He took on a new persona, a new name, and a new place in the "hierarchy" of earth (hello! God of the Universe to poor carpenter's bastard son) - all so that I could have a loving, personal relationship with him and his Father.

So today, as I think back over the last eight weeks, I'm so glad the Lord "duped" us into coming here as missionaries (though that word still makes me shudder a little bit). I'm begrudgingly thankful that we have been dragged and prodded out of our little comfort zone and thrown into this new life and new identity.

There's so much more to write on this topic, and perhaps I'll come back to it later.

But needless to say, we covet your prayers. We're not just changing the way we eat or sleep or shop or speak; we are changing who we are. We only pray that, regardless of what those changes look or feel like, they will shape us more into the image of Christ.

Halted by sweet temptation...

Mom is here. Virus is gone. Life is good again.

At this very moment, Sweet Hubby is playing basketball in the church's new gym (about a 30 second walk from our front door), Chloe and Grandma are playing "Cinderella" in Chloe's room. And I? I am curled up on the couch surfing blogs and watching the apparent shifting of tectonic plates in my abdomen. Oh wait, that's not an earthquake - it's just that little one moving around in there.

She has become particularly active this week, and it's kind of fun because I no longer have to tell Hubby "put your hand here, just so, and you might be able to feel her." Now, all he has to do is look and see my entire belly full of life and movement. Lots of fun, my friends, lots of fun.

This might go down as the shortest post ever. But I just remembered there are ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. Mmmm...

I'm pretty sure the baby needs one of those.

Snooglisheousness

So, my mom is flying into Seoul tomorrow evening, and I couldn't be more excited. There are many, many reasons that I am looking forward to her visit. So, for your reading pleasure, the list format:

1. Talking face-to-face is easier when it isn't done over a sketchy web cam.

2. We get to set up (or at least start to set up) the baby's room!

3. I get to show her - live and in person - that we really are doing ok.

4. She's bringing bed sheets! (Thanks to Martha Dale and Nanna!)We have had the hardest time finding sheets here...

5. And the thing that, perhaps, I am most excited about: She is bringing me....

THE SNOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



When pregnant with CJ, I purchased this pillow (at the insistence of my good friend Christan) and used it every single night. My poor cuddle-less husband started calling it my "second husband" because of how much time I spent snuggled with my snoogle.

But this time, I decided to wait. I decided that pregnant women all over the world get through all nine months without the miracle that is the Snoogle. But, my friends, the time of martyrdom has passed and I JUST WANT TO GET A DECENT NIGHT'S SLEEP.

So, with the help of a trusty credit card and a willing family member (my mom) who has agreed to fly the pillow all the way to the other side of the world... I will be once again be reunited with the comfort and love given to me by this rather large c-shaped pillow.

Yes, my friends. Tomorrow night, for the first time in weeks, I WILL be comfortable in my own bed (though, this time, I have agreed to share equal time between my first and "second" husband... per hubby's request).

But, you know, I'm excited about seeing my mom too. :) Seriously. I am.

Love you, mom! (and the snoogle you bring with you!)

How mommy got her groove back... or not

As I opened this little bloggy page, I breathed a deep sigh of relief. Ahhh... internet, at last. As you may have read on my previous post, we have actually had it for a couple days, but I chose to spend my time emailing relatives (to assure them that, no, we are not dead) and to get as caught up as possible on all the fabulous excitement I have missed in bloggerland.

Now that I have my virtual feet under me again, I shall begin...

First, allow me to remind you that Sweet Hubby has started his own blog over here. Quite frankly, his writing is probably a lot more informative regarding culture, food, etc. Plus, it includes all sorts of fun videos and pictures of our journey thus far.

Having said that... I shall continue as best I can.

You see, I'm having a difficult time starting this post. My instinct is to tell you everything - apartment, grocery store, first taxi ride, snow, language barrier, culture, church, parenting styles.... I could go on, my friends.

But all of that cannot be summed up in one little entry.

So, I've decided to just start from today:

About 1am, as I was heading to bed, my little one woke up with her first ever stomach flu. Honestly, it's not as bad as it could be, and I am just praying that it will stay that way (and that Hubby and I can avoid the germs). She is fine (don't worry, grandparents) and I'm sure it will all pass soon. I just have to remember that with all the new food, new places, and new people... there also come new germs.

In addition to just feeling bad for my pitiful little girl, this illness could not have come at a worse time. I had meetings scheduled every day this week as I prepare for English classes to start next week. Also, my mom is coming in from the states on Friday, and I was hoping to have some time to find fun things for us to do while she's here. But alas, between the snow fall outside and the germs flowing inside, I believe all of my planning has been for naught. I'm not too stressed though. Everything will get done in its time.

Baby #2 is doing just fine and dandy. Following in her sister's footsteps, she is measuring large. Hence, my due date has been moved up by 5 days. May 20th, folks. It's not too far away. So I've just started my third trimester, and this pregnancy seems easier than the first (at this stage). Sure, I'm uncomfortable - especially since Koreans believe their beds should be as hard as bricks and as uncomfortable as splintered wood - but things are not unbearable yet.

Ok, so chalk this up as the most boring post ever. It's a little difficult getting back in the groove - especially when sleep deprived.

So, I'll throw it back at'cha: is there anything in particular that you want to read about? Any questions? Comments? Random bits of trivia?

I'll do my best to be more interesting next time.

With love, from Korea.

PEOPLE, THE INTERNET HAS RETURNED!!!

After days and weeks completely cut off from the rest of the world (i.e. no internet) we FINALLY have been reconnected. It may take a couple days to rekindle the romance, but I'm sure our relationship is not beyond salvation, is it? Will you come back to me, dear readers?

Perhaps I will write a worthy post in the coming days that will show a little good faith and, hopefully, convince you to return.

Until then...

For your viewing pleasure...

Hey y'all. We don't have internet at home, but my sweet hubby has been faithfully posting updates, photos, and videos over at his new blog right here.

So check it out! And you can bet I'll be back to give you all the juicy details as soon as our internet is up and running.

Peace out!

A Week of Goodbyes

Well, friends, the time has come.

In exactly six days, my little family of 3.5 will be loading our only earthly belongings into the back of a midsized SUV and heading towards the local airport.

Visas came in last Friday morning. Tickets were purchased Friday afternoon and confirmed today.

Each day since Friday has been an emotional roller coaster... at least for family and friends. Brandon and I have been fairly steady, emotionally speaking. Of course we will miss our loved ones and the familiarity of our home, but we know why we're going and what awaits us there. I know Who is sending us and that ultimately, it's for His glory.

So we smile politely and hug appropriately as those closest to us tell us how they are feeling about the whole thing.

I am about to go visit my grandparents for the last time before we leave. This one could be hard.

But it's all part of the process, I suppose. In order to move into God's new territory, we must leave the old.

So here's to a week of goodbyes.

I promise to have LOTS more updates/pictures/movies/etc. once we arrive in Korea.

Blessings!