In the past few weeks, it has come to my attention that my attitude about life seems to ebb and flow like the waves. Well, to be more accurate, this attitudes seems to rise and fall like the craziest mind-blowing stomach-churching breath-taking higher-than-mount-everest lower-than-the-bottom-of-the-grand-canyon roller coaster.
I find myself, at times, completely content with where I am. I am happy to be a wife, a mom, a pastor. My home is perfectly cozy and my body is curvaceously full.
Then there are times that I look at my life (or, more often someone else's life) and long for something else. During this times, every mothering skill I employ is called into question. My husband finds it difficult to do anything right. My house is small and cluttered. And I'm fat.
I realize how silly this sounds. But it's just us girls here(I assume), so lets get it all out there...
I would even venture to say that, while maybe some aren't as extreme as what I described above, most of us gals tend to waiver from time to time.
For me, most of the time, my pendulum of contentment swings the worst when I compare myself to someone else.
Why can't I have hair like her?
I would kill for those legs.
Her house is SO beautiful!
Her kids are always so well-behaved!
How DOES she keep her house so clean AND find time to cook dinner, work out, take the kids to the park, etc.?
I find the times that I am the most dissatisfied with my life, I am usually looking at others and wondering why I can't be more like them... or have what they have... or look like they look.
But it's not just an envy of other people. This discontentment (is that a word?) also comes from my desire for the future to come faster.
My entire life has been spent in waiting: I can't wait until I graduate highschool... until I go to college... until I get married... until I get a job... until I have a baby... until I have a house... until I get a degree... ... ...
I feel that I have been constantly in "waiting" for that next bend in the road.
These are the thoughts that have been on my mind for a couple weeks now. Then a few nights ago, as I was cleaning out the dust bunny haven that is under my bed, I came across a CD that a friend gave me a while ago.
From time to time, friends will give me copies of good sermons they have on CD since, due to my job as children's pastor, I very rarely get to actually sit in an adult service and listen.
Somehow, this particular CD had been overlooked (probably because it had been swiped by the Dust Bunny Queen who has also been known to steal shoes, books, and even little girls named Chloe).
It was a Jason Upton sermon called, "Satisfied by God." So I popped it into my alarm clock CD player (fancy, no?), and continued fighting the Dust Bunny soldiers (especially the ones that kept charging at my face and making my eyes water and nose itch).
Almost immediately, as I began to listen to the sermon, I felt that ever-so-subtle tug of the Holy Spirit. This was for me - now.
Jason talked about the fact that God is always able to satisfy, if we come to him. But our dissatisfaction in life comes from the fact that we choose to seek our satisfaction elsewhere.
Even Adam and Eve in the Garden! They had EVERYTHING they could ever need or want - including an intimate and sin-free relationship with the Creator of the universe!
Yet they sought their satisfaction in - of all places - food.
How many times have I sought my satisfaction in food? In the television? In human relationships? In material things? How many times have I turned to these things and said, "Satisfy me"?
How many times have I turned to God and said, "Satisfy me"?
And as I lay sprawled out, on my stomach, under the bed, with just me, the Dust Bunnies, and God, I prayed that simple prayer: "Satisfy me."
This is the prayer that has been in my heart and on my tongue since then.
Because I don't want my joy - my satisfaction - to change like the waves of my circumstances. I want to get out of this roller coaster cart and into the lap of my Daddy-God, because He is my joy. My contentment. My satisfaction.