It was yard sale weekend around these here parts.
That's right ya'll. Family, junk, customers and mosquitoes all gathered together in the Pecan Grove for this Trash-to-Treasure spectaculAR (Read: Speck-tah-cue-lAAAAAAAAR).
In preparation for The Big Move (which shall be described in greater detail in a later post), we have emptied no less than two of our closets. You read correctly, friends. We now have a grand total of TWO empty closets.
The creation of the emptiness (which is a bit of an oxymoron) has caused me to look at myself in a new, less flattering light.
Hi, my name is Yard Sale Diva, and I am - deep trembly breath - a Pack Rat.
You see, I have had empty closets before. Sure I have. And just like now, their emptiness could be attributed to a move. But here's the difference...
When my closets have been empty in the past, it was because all of my "stuff" was tucked safely away in carefully labeled cardboard boxes that would go with us as we moved.
But this time, we have made the decision to start with a clean slate. Tabula Rasa. Which sounds fabulous in theory. But when I am forced to sell (to a perfect stranger, I might add) that pair of shoes that went out of style five years ago but that, I'm sure, will return to style NEXT WEEK, it becomes unbearable.
All seriousness aside, when all was said and done, and I walked back into my room to peer across my conquered closet land... when I should have felt a sense of pride and accomplishment... I suddenly couldn't breathe.
Where was all my STUFF?!?! What had I DONE?!?! Someday I might NEED that hot pink belt! There was nothing wrong with those sweaters and I'm SURE that, even though they've been too small for 4 years, I'll be able to fit into them this time next year!
It was a strange revelation. And so for the past couple of days, as I have fought the waves of nausea and panic while watching box after box leave my home in search of higher ground... I have done some serious soul-searching.
And I realized this: it's a trust issue.
Because the root of my fear is simply that I don't think things will be provided when I need them.
When I say...
Someday I might need that $2 pair of booger green flip flops because somebody might give me a shirt that will match them and I won't have anything to wear with it.
I really mean...
I am afraid that someday I might not be able to afford a wardrobe that suits me; so I will have to wear a booger green shirt that somebody gives me. And then I won't be able to afford a pair of $2 booger green flip flops to match it and I'll have to run around barefoot!
It's silly. Because my Daddy God has always provided for my needs... which leads me to a conversation I had with Him a few nights ago....
Preface: A few months ago, a friend of ours who has the hookup blessed us with a really good discount on a used car. We were planning to sell said car before The Big Move for what it is actually worth, and thereby providing a way to pay off Other Car with the profit. At last, we would be without car payment (and just in time for The Move). But, this week, we were told that discounted car needs a new transmission - effectively making it a not-so-discounted car that we are now stuck making payments on because, seriously, who wants to buy a broken car?
Me: I'm not happy with You.
Him: Because I broke your car?
Me: I know you didn't do it. But you certainly didn't prevent it. And it's not just that. These things keep happening. We get ready to pay off one bill and another one pops up. Remember the busted A/C unit? The plumber visit that cost us $6,000? The cracked engine? Do you remember that all of those things happened RIGHT BEFORE we were supposed to finally get a break? REMEMBER?!?!
(Yes, I realize I had reverted to the toddler-stage argument, and no I did not stick my tongue out at Him, even if I was tempted.)
Him: I'm listening.
Me: What am I supposed to DO to make this better? Should we TITHE? PRAY? Dedicate our FIRST BORN? We have already done all those things!! What am I missing? What am I NOT doing that I SHOULD be doing? Or what SHOULD I be doing that I'm NOT doing?
Him: You know better than that.
Me: I thought I did. But I just don't understand, Lord.
Him: Have you ever lived in want?
Him: Were you ever hungry and without food? Have you ever slept even one night without a roof over your head? Do your clothes fit and keep you covered?
Me: *sigh and nod* But Lord, if all of those things had not happened, we wouldn't be living paycheck-to-paycheck. We could have a little nest egg and less debt. We wouldn't be so stressed about money all the time.
Him: Well, that is your choice.
Him: You can choose to trust me and live at peace, and I will provide all your needs. OR, you can choose not to trust me and live in stress, yet still I will provide all your needs.
Me: *light bulb*
And that's just it. I held on to all that stuff... shoes, pants, dishes, baby clothes, bow ties, head bands - and stress - because of a lack of trust.
For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.... Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?...
And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you?
You of little faith!
Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' ...for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
What are you holding on to today?